I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
