If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
