I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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