his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
