she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
