You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
