booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
