mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
