I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
