I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
