please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
