Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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