I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
party gras won. party gras always wins.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
