I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
