Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
