somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Damn victory sex feels great
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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