In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
