Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
