I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
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