why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
