I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
