Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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