one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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