a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
