Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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