By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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