I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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