90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just forgot I was standing up.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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