Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
