i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
