oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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