I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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