Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
