So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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