i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Well I just put wine in my tea
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
