You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
it glows. i had to have it.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
