Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
