I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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