Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
