Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
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