$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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