I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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