when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Randomize
