I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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