I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Randomize
