Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
