My nipple is on Facebook.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
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