I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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