i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
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