Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
