Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
