She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
