I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i need an iv and a liver transplant
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
