now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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