You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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